Killing It In My Sixties

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I love that saying, “As soon as I say, ‘I would Never’, there I go never-ing like I never never-ed before”.

Last weekend I told my brother that I had bought three pairs of Bombas compression socks to wear on our 12-hour plane flight to Italy in December. Wearing them is supposed to keep your ankles from swelling during the flight – and also prevent DVT, (deep vein thrombosis), which could lead to a blood clot. He laughed pretty heartily and then said, “I would never wear compression stockings! How OLD are you”?!

How many times have you said that in your life? You know – I would NEVER let my child sleep in my bed, I would NEVER use a pacifier for my baby, I would NEVER feed my kids fast-food, I would NEVER ignore red flags in a relationship, I would NEVER get married again, I would NEVER travel alone, I would NEVER stay at a job that made me feel inferior, and so many ‘never’ declarations that seemed SO honest and real at the time.

Well… by the time you get to be my age, you realize that Never is Never-Neverland. Never is a blunt, absolute kind of word – as in, ‘never have, never will, not going to happen – EVER’. For example – one of the things I always say NEVER about, is elective surgery. I have professed loud and clear, that I will never – ever, have surgery unless it’s going to save my life – and even then – it’s debatable. But I have these bunions on my feet that are soooo ugly. So ugly that my grandkids, and even random strangers, comment on them. But they are not painful, do not stop me from walking, hiking, wearing most shoes, and are really only an issue during the summer when they are exposed to people’s opinions. I know there is a surgical correction that is available, but it’s expensive, painful, and prone to chronic infection. All that for prettier feet? NEVER. You heard it here! So, if I ever do – you can bet I will be cursed for life.

The other things that I have put in the NEVER category: 

After a dismal failure of yet another marriage, I declared, “I will NEVER get married again – and if I do – you have permission to hog-tie me to the back of a pick-up truck and drag me down a gravel road”. And then… you know what? I got married again. Ugh…

I never thought I would let my hair go gray – and then one day – or actually after a succession of days, I just started thinking – why the hell not?! I never thought I would be happy spending a whole weekend alone in my condo, eating good food, binge-watching television and reading library books. But here I am – being so excited when it happens. I never thought I would stop wearing cute high heel shoes – but honestly – it’s just more important to me to be comfortable now.

I never thought certain friendships, relationships and situation-ships would ever end. I thought those people would be in my life forever because I couldn’t imagine a world without them in it.  But then they decided – or I decided – or sometimes we both decided – no more.  Sometimes the decision was made with little or no discussion – sometimes just an implicit understanding that it needed to be over and done.

A surprising one was, I never thought that my ex-husband’s wife would be one of my besties. But here we are – part of the same Friday night social group, taking road-trips, and sending each other memes and texts every day. I never thought she would be the one who called or texted me every day when I had COVID – to check on me, offer to bring food or juice, and to genuinely care if I felt better. But she was. We take vacations together, share our holidays and often plan excursions together. I always liked her, but I never anticipated that she would become one of my closest friends.

I never thought I would be able to easily say “NO” to people, situations, jobs, men, invitations, or suggestions. I was such a gosh-darned people-pleaser, that I would say “Yes” – even when every fiber of my being screamed “NO!” I was so afraid people wouldn’t like me, or would leave me, or stop inviting me – that I sucked it up and sometimes even convinced myself that I wanted it – just so I didn’t have to say NO. In fact – I never thought I would stop saying Yes – even when I meant No!

Why do we say “NEVER” so emphatically, only to then change our mind? I have to admit – I have sometimes said it for all the world to hear, to as many people as possible, in order to hold myself accountable. Like – if I say it enough – and to everyone I know – then my conscience would not allow me to fall back on that conviction. So – why do we change our minds? Why do we think – “Oh this is different – I understand better or differently now, or I never imagined I could feel this way”. At least that’s what we tell ourselves and others.

And when we do change our minds – do we discover that NEVER was wrong? So ——Is NEVER – ever right?