Killing It In My Sixties

I’ve talked about my strict Catholic upbringing before, and some of the lessons and traditions have been long forgotten, (or buried).  However, some of the first important lessons learned in my religious training, were memorizing the Ten Commandments.  I was in second grade when this intense instruction began in preparation for making my First Holy Communion, and subsequently my First Confession.  They are two of the Holy Sacraments that a Catholic can receive in their lifetime.

When you are in second grade, almost anything that an adult says – with some degree of authority in your life; you tend to wholly believe what they tell you.  Which makes little seven year olds ripe for learning the Ten Commandments.  The big ones are easy to remember like: Thou Shalt Not Kill,  and Thou Shalt Not Steal.  But there are two that had me puzzled at that age: Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Goods, and Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife. 

I remember asking my nun-teacher what those two meant.  In her very modest black and white habit that exposed only her face and hands, she gave me this example: “You know when you see your next door neighbor’s lawnmower, and it’s newer and nicer than yours? Well if you feel like you want that lawn mower and will do anything to get it – that is coveting thy neighbor’s goods”.  She never went on to explain the wife-coveting as a matter of decency.  So I grew up thinking that it would be a sin to lust after my neighbor’s lawnmower – and I felt pretty safe on that particular sin-opportunity, since I never would want a lawnmower – EVER.

Looking back, it’s pretty early to try to teach a young person about coveting things or people.  A better example might have been this: You see your friend who just walked into the classroom with the brand-new Barbie lunchbox that you have been eyeing at the store all summer.  You look down at your Munster’s lunchbox that is a hand-me-down from your older brother and feel a stab in your chest region. Not only does said friend look immensely pleased with herself, but all your other friends are oohing and ahhhing over the cute new box.  And that my friends – is jealousy for a second grade girl.  She wants what the other girl has, or at the very least silently wishes she had it too.

What happens after that  – determines character. Probably that is the really important lesson that should have been emphasized as we learned the divine rules of life.  What we do with the emotion of jealousy, envy or just plain wanting what someone else has, is our character.  Whether we cozy up to our friend at recess to ask how she convinced her mom to let her have the Barbie lunch box, or if we tell all the other girls what a spoiled brat she is for getting it and how she is a little rich-‘bi-ash’. Or even worse, we assure that the new lunchbox goes missing or turns up broken.  It’s what we do with the emotion of jealousy that determines who we are.

Of course, the challenges and stakes get even higher, the older we get and as we progress through life.  And whether we are the one dealing with our own feelings of jealousy or we are the person that someone else is jealous of, the outcome is critical. Whether it be in our work, in our relationships, or family dynamics – it can either motivate us to be better, do better, and look inwardly at our own goals and desires – or it can destroy.  Jealousy has been known to create intense rivalries and competitiveness that can elevate to painful, and sometimes even deadly, consequences.

I willingly admit that jealousy has been a factor in my life due to my own insecurities.  Struggling to feel valued, validated and worthy if anyone else was getting the attention I desperately wanted or needed, I would lash out in anger or accusatory confrontations.  Recognizing, and then confronting the destructive nature of my jealousy was key to handling it going forward.  Let me assure you – it doesn’t go away – I think it’s human nature to feel jealousy.  I can’t imagine there is a person alive who doesn’t feel some degree of envy in some area of their life.  And I am in no way bragging about having it all handled – it’s more of a journey – with twists and turns that bring new situations to my daily life.  

For me – just saying it out loud is probably the most effective way to address the feelings.  Not necessarily in front of others, or the person I am jealous of – but out loud – it takes a lot of the overwhelming ‘oomph’ out of it.  Then again – sometimes just walking up to the person and saying, “Wow – I am so envious of your success!  You are amazing – I want to hate you but I can’t because you are really awesome”.  Maybe if someone just got an prestigious job offer and you feel the ‘green’ creeping in; it might be time to assess your own career goals and strategies going forward – making it happen for yourself can be very therapeutic!

When you become aware that someone else may be jealous of you in some way, you’ve got two basic options: Carry on with confidence but make a point to befriend that person and get to know them on a deeper level – you may find out they are just as ‘real’ as you are. The other option is to walk away and hopefully the lack of stimulation will temper the other person’s bad feelings.  In either case – awareness and sensitivity is key. (At least in my opinion).