Killing It In My Sixties

This memorable quote from Grey’s Anatomy iconic scene, where Meredith begs Derek, (McDreamy) to choose her over another love interest, resonates to my core. I imagine that people the world over, felt her pain, desperation, intense longing and lump-in-the-throat emotion, hearing Meredith asking point-blank to be the person Derek wants to love for all time.

Oh! To be someone’s first choice… in love, in the job market, picked for the team, and definitely NOT a runner-up in any contest.  The thought of it is almost intoxicating.  To be able to settle into the comforting arms of being the best and first choice – above all that was available and possible.  To never experience the doubt and shame of being second or third best.  To glow from the inside out with confidence and self-assuredness.

But as happens often in life, we are not the first choice – sometimes never.  Merely an option; it’s an unsettled and lonely feeling to experience – especially when it occurs repeatedly – almost as a pattern.  Never the favorite child, not the (BFF) best friend forever, the runner-up to the homecoming queen, nor or are you the “love of someone’s life.” That feeling of sitting on the edge, picking at your nails, tapping your foot and waiting for someone to decide you are IT.

Not being first choice does indeed, build character, increase resiliency, and prevent arrogance.  But it also enhances lack of self-confidence, doubt, anxiety, and can cause the onset of depression.  Balance is key – no one should be the first choice ALL THE TIME – because, (stomping my right foot) ‘that’s just not fair’!  

Really though – doesn’t it seem that some people have all the luck?  They have a significant other, who looks at them like they won the jackpot every single day.  They ace the job interviews – all three of them (!), and get the offer of their dreams.  Their parent looks at them with immense pride, genuine love and admiration.  And they know they have a best-friend that would literally drop everything to either comfort or celebrate them at a moment’s notice.

So what if you’ve not, or in fact never, had that luscious feeling of being “IT”?  I’ve been thinking lately about how, NOT feeling chosen, can erode your worthiness over time.  You know – no one is clamoring to earn your attention and love, your are a finalist – but never the ultimate choice for the job, or you are excluded from groups and activities some times.  I’m not talking about outright rejection – but the uneasy feeling that no one cares enough to make you their first “YES”.  With zero thought of another.

I realize that sometimes people or things pass me by, because room is being left for something better or more suited to me.  And truthfully – if you aren’t someone’s first choice, do you even want to be in the running?  Every single time I have turned myself inside out trying to be the one who is picked – it almost always, turns out to have been a red flag that I should have paid attention to.  All those excuses, cancelled plans, and ‘I’m not ready for commitment’ reasons are a sign to “LET IT GO”.  

So I’ve stopped.  I have begun making myself my first choice.  What I like, who I feel good with – when I am with them, the job that brings contentment instead of notoriety, the way I look and how I spend my days, hours and minutes – are my first choice.  And when someone or something is my first choice – they get the best of me and none of the resentment.

A dear friend told me this one day when I was feeling very dejected: “Don’t push the river.”  The river flows at its own pace, allowing the current to change with the conditions that it encounters.  It doesn’t try to change direction, it smooths out rough rocks as it passes by, it babbles with contentment, and when it is nourished it flows freely to its ultimate destination. PICK yourself first – with love.