Killing It In My Sixties

How many times have I said that to myself? How many times have I clammed up and NOT said it? And the times that I did blurt out exactly what I was thinking and feeling? Well … people just aren’t ready for that and it generally does not go well. My problem is – that I quite literally HAVE to say it – but saying it – saying the thing? Not always good. And the cost of saying it – even if other people are also thinking it? Well – it has cost me relationships, acceptance, and even family.

Radical honesty is not widely embraced. So – we practice conversations in our head, we Google ‘the right thing to say’ and modify our words and ourselves to make it more palatable. We freeze up and go silent in an effort to be accepted – or at least tolerated. Where does that get us? It gets us tangled up in a version of ourselves that is a manufactured and people-pleasing version of our true authentic selves.

I am going to be 65 years old on Sunday and I can tell you – living that way has had profound costs. The times that I did blurt out exactly the wrongs, the injustices, the hurt, the audacity of impossible situations? It cost me – family members, friends, job security, and more. Is it because I spoke a truth that others did not want to face? Is it because I trusted my own feelings more than I valued approval? It didn’t always feel that way – mostly it felt like rejection and abandonment.

Have you ever been in a room and everyone has an opinion about a problem or issue? But your inner voice wants to break in and say “let’s do something radical and speak honestly”. And at the same time – “let’s also honor and respect each other’s values and truths”. I’ve tried it – I have tried saying exactly what I think — and believe me – it is not a party. People cease to make eye contact with you, they clear their throat and pretend they didn’t hear what you just said. But after you leave the room…

The breaking away starts – you notice that you are no longer invited to the conversation. You are no longer thought of as a ‘team player’ or you are risking “popping the bubble of dysfunction” that has governed the group – whether it be family or work or relationships. So – you give yourself a good talking to and decide to conform, decide to quiet your voice, resume the dialect of other’s comfort zones. You even try to pretend that your feelings don’t matter – don’t count in what is best for the greater good. That as long as everyone is reasonably satisfied – well – that’s enough.

But then your dad dies, and your family stops speaking to you and all the other parts of your delicately-pieced-together-existence start to crumble and you only have yourself and your solitary place of contemplation. You realize – you just gotta — say it. Speak your truth – say the thing – be REAL and live your highest spiritual self. Yes – do it kindly and with empathy. And then – Identify your people – those who see you and accept you for you. Love them, hear them, accept them and welcome them with all your heart.