Killing It In My Sixties

This song was first recorded by Tommy James and the Shondells in 1967, and was a huge hit. It was a break-out hit once again, performed by Tiffany in 1987, making it a song that has spanned the lives of more than a couple generations now. I don’t really claim any memory of the first version, as I was only seven years old – but the 1987 hit by Tiffany, climbed the charts when I was 27 with two young boys – and I knew all the words by heart!

But this blog isn’t about pop songs – it’s about being ALONE. Alone-ness is a concept that two of my grandchildren have been asking me about quite often of late. They are eight and eleven respectively – both ages where they have rising levels in self-awareness of the world around them. The majority of time that I see my grandkids – it’s at their house – a home filled with lots of love, people, a very vocal dog, television, video games, YouTube, and other family noises and activities.

Recently though – they have been spending their afternoons after school with me at my house, as their’s is undergoing a major renovation. The first afternoon they walked in my front door – my grandson whispered, “it’s so quiet here”. It’s true – no dog, no other people, nothing that generates any noise whatsoever. Later in the car, he asked me if I got lonely being by myself at my house. It was asked very tenderly and with great care and concern on his part.

I assured him that I was just fine, and told him not to be concerned – that I liked my peaceful home. Since that first day – he has asked me the same question many times, (with slight variations) wondering if I get scared, or lonely or if I cry when I am alone. As recently as today – and for the first time – my granddaughter asked me what it was like to be alone all the time. I am simultaneously touched by their compassion while wondering why this is such a burning question for them

Being alone – really alone – is one of the biggest issues I have dealt with in my adult life – especially my later years. I was one of four kids in my own family, and then had three sons of my own spanning my child-raising years from age 20 to 52. I’ve been married multiple times, and had many relationships throughout my adult life – guaranteeing that being alone would never be a concern. Looking back – I was actively avoiding being alone – sometimes to an unhealthy extent.

Once I was really and truly alone – all kids gone, no partner, no pets and no relationship, (by choice), well – I was a mixture of: terrified, depressed, anxious, unable to sleep at night, running on a metaphorical hamster wheel trying to stay busy – all to avoid – THE ALONE. The great big-bad ALONE. I ate too much, I drank too much, I made poor choices, I was ridiculously codependent on anyone who would have me.

All the while – I knew instinctively that I had to make a choice – either I had to learn to, not only tolerate being alone, I needed to learn to love it. Or else I was doomed to continue some very unhealthy patterns.

2020 brought COVID to all of our lives, and while others were hunkering down with their own households – I was laid off from my job, confined to my 600 square foot apartment for months – all by myself.

I’m not going to tell you that it magically happened – it didn’t! But it was the beginning of a process that I can now look back on as a blessing. It taught me to let go of crutches that had been my emotional handicap for too long. Along the way I somehow learned to enjoy the fact that I didn’t have to be anyone but ME – there was no one else around to try to be what I thought they wanted me to be. That was also a curse I carried with me all my life – being a people-pleaser.

I learned that taking care of myself and my wants, needs and desires – could actually COME FIRST! Once the world opened up again – I had created some incredibly healthy boundaries. I could eat what I wanted-when I wanted, I could go to bed when I wanted, I could get up when I wanted, I could not answer my phone if I didn’t feel like it, and I could be quiet without anybody asking me what was wrong. And best of all I learned to make choices that were good for ME,

I am an incredibly social, outgoing, energetic, people-and-fun-loving person. I have also realized I like to be alone and recharge, say No occasionally, read books, stare at the beautiful view from my balcony and take naps. And sometimes – I like to invite in others when I am craving company.

So when my grandkids ask about my aloneness – I want them to know I am content – while always loving my time with them and others.