Killing It In My Sixties

The holidays are not all merry and jolly. In fact, for some, this is the hardest time of the year.  That is me – I am “some”. I delicately straddle the days leading up to Christmas and New Years – Wanting to enjoy the beautiful and fun parts: the decorations, lights, music, parties and young children’s wonder and delight over the prospect of Santa Claus making a visit to their house Christmas Eve night. Yet, concurrently working hard to avoid the dark depression that inevitably emerges every holiday season.  A divorced family does not orchestrate a magical Christmas by any measure.  And if it is a year that you are coping with the death of a loved one, and the year of “firsts” that come with that – Christmas is likely one of the most difficult seasons of grief.

Whether it is a divorce or a death, inevitable comparisons to years gone by,  arise at every turn. The kids who are shuffled between the divorced parents and new blended families, likely are longing for the days of an intact family Christmas.  The void left by the recently deceased is palpable and poignant. For some people, the discord or complete estrangement between family members, only serves to highlight the feelings of rejection, unworthiness, and anxiety that are present all year long.  Trying to repair these rifts in time to save the holidays is likely to be futile  – if not a script doomed to completely backfire.

Dysfunctional family history, tense interpersonal dynamics and old childhood traumas, all contribute to underlying depression.  Add to that: tight finances that make gift-giving difficult or impossible, unmet expectations, the tree dries out ten days before Christmas and needles drop to the floor like confetti at a ticker-tape parade, and your Yorkshire pudding falls flat ten minutes before dinner is served.  It’s enough to call the whole thing off – am I right?

But calling it off is never really an option. It’s happening all around you and it sucks you in for better or for worse.  Year after year, I have tried to plan my way out of the entire holiday – to no avail.  I have planned trips out of town, out of state, out of country – hoping to find a place on Earth that helps me forget that it’s Christmas.   By the way – that has never worked. Other years –  I have planned a day of absolutely nothing – except take out Chinese and a movie marathon.  I have been a guest at other people’s family celebrations, and hosted gatherings at my own house, and I have eaten a burger at Denny’s as my holiday feast.   None of those options were 100 % terrible, but it’s really just an exercise in getting through it.

My most joyous Christmas’ were when my kids were young – in fact the days leading up to the actual day are treasured memories. Me and my boys used to always have an annual “Baking Day”, where we would get up early, stay in our pj’s, turn on Christmas music, have hot chocolate and bake cookies the entire day.  At the end of the day, we would have an assembly line operation, making up big tins of cookies to give away as gifts.  As the boys got older, food fights became an afternoon highlight – messy but memorable!  As the kids grew up and moved out, I could feel it slipping away, as childhoods tend to do.  They are all grown with their own families now, and I hope they have taken some of those memories with them into their own family’s traditions.

I wish I could say I figured out a solution to this annual problem. But – I have not – so I take it one day at a time, consume no alcohol or sugar, I try not to build any expectations,  choose the company I keep carefully to avoid triggers, give myself permission to step back as needed, recognize and appreciate the moments of joy that present themselves, and remember that, “This Too Shall Pass”.  I am already looking forward to each day having a few more minutes of sunlight, and anticipating the Spring and Summer, my grandson’s high school graduation and the year I will be eligible for Medicare!  I never thought that would excite me – but it does! 

I’m not going to end with Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays – instead – I say -” Find Your Joy in Every Day – Your Way.”