Yes – a frothy delicious double cappuccino will inevitably bring me joy. Especially when sitting in a tiny cafe in the San Lorenzo neighborhood of Florence, Italy. Sometimes it’s the simplest things and sometimes you have to travel thousands of miles from home to appreciate them. When I booked my travel a few months ago – I was aching for a reset to my life. After flirting with retirement for at least ten years – I have finally taken the plunge and surrendered an identity that included a job or a career. I was as sure as I could be when I sent off my application to Social Security – Well… at least the surest I have ever been.
The first couple months included some local drivable road trips within California – a taste of the ability to be spontaneous and without that creeping feeling of ‘not-getting-too-relaxed, because I need to go back to work’. I like it – I might even say I love it. But just when I thought I had it all handled – life hit some speed bumps – as it will surely always do. I started to drift towards some of the depression I have dealt with periodically throughout my life. My knee-jerk reaction was to ponder if retirement was a mistake. Had being busy, feeling useful, needed by many – allowed me to escape those feelings just enough to stay ahead of it?
Fortunately I had my one-month in Italy all booked and paid for. I thought – well that’s perfect – I will be hopping through the many regions of Italy; walking, hiking, shopping, eating, photographing, gazing, practicing my Italian, galavanting and all that sort of thing. But as I sit here in my little apartment near Santa Croce, I find that what I really need is to just BE. Though I had planned to be on buses, trains, and trams adventuring across the country – my plans changed when I noticed that walking for hours over cobblestone streets, sitting in the piazzas people-watching, learning to do watercolor painting at my kitchen table, and reading a book with the bells of Florence chiming outside my bedroom window – that stuff? THAT brings me peace and clarity and – yes – joy.
Somehow being in a foreign city, blessed with anonymity, is exactly what I needed. All my life I have endeavored to do big things, go to exciting places, and push my limits continually. All to somehow prove to myself, and, (I’m ashamed to admit – to others) that I was worthwhile, important – somebody greater than I ever imagined myself to be. But here in Florence? Nobody gives a shit who I am or what I have done or not done. Somewhere – amidst the last 2+ weeks here, I decided I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. My priority in life is to make the most of every day I have until the end. But not by being BIG. By being me.
In two more weeks I will be back home, and like Dorothy, I will realize that wherever I am – is the best place to be. I have long fantasized about running away and living somewhere else where I could reinvent myself. But – I have come to realize – I can do that anywhere – and where I really want to be is close to my family and friends and the people I love and who love me back. I love my little home that I have made in the town I grew up in; I love taking long walks with my friend contemplating life; I love seeing my grandkids grow up before my eyes; I love laughing with people that I have laughed with for thirty years; I love walking downtown past familiar places and seeing people along the way who have come to mean so much to me.
I am not sure how I will spend my final days here but I have given myself permission to take it one day at a time and savor each experience – big or small. And when I get home – I will appreciate all that I have and all that I am. ❤️
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