We have to let go of things all the time – youth, innocence, beauty, control, attachments, pets, and countless other things – but nothing is harder than letting go of a person or people you thought would always be in your life. A parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, co-worker, spouse or lover, child or grandchild. Wishing farewell to a situation can be easier to justify than a person. It is somewhat less traumatic to understand why a job may not longer be a good fit, or that a long-held belief needs to be reconsidered. A pair of jeans that no longer fit? Easy enough to replace them with a cool new pair.
But a person who meant the world to you? A person who you would call when you had exciting news, or the worst news ever? Losing that person is life-altering – wait – LIFE-SHATTERING. Truly – how do you come to grips with that? When I lost my dad last year, people told me that it would get easier with time, that the pain would always be there – but would gradually become more tolerable. It’s true – I can get through days – sometimes weeks – without crying. Sometimes I even smile when a bird swoops in low and squawks at me – I just look up and say, “Hi Dad – I love you”.
I’ve lost grandparents, a beloved step-dad, friends, and exes and some not-so-special people. Each person was grieved in different ways for different reasons – some more deeply and for longer than others. But the most difficult losses ironically have been people who are still alive and walking the world. People that I never thought I would lose – or lose touch with. It is hard to come to terms with losing someone when the potential of seeing them and experiencing their love still remains a possibility – no matter how remote or hopeless.
Of course it’s possible and – undoubtedly necessary to let go – to erase that person or people from your consciousness. But I can almost guarantee you that a memory or a sliver of hope will sneak in and resurrect that painful loss that you so deeply wish you could leave in your past. And then your imagination is off and running! Maybe – just maybe – there’s a chance…
That hope is most often futile – and I’m not here to stomp on your optimism or douse your dreams of a better outcome. I do it too. I imagine a time when conflicts can be resolved, when everyone can just ‘get along’. The invariable letdown comes with the realization that you probably won’t have that person in the way that you were accustomed to. So how do you accept it, move on, find joy that doesn’t include them?
I try hard to live in the present – to trust that God has removed them for reasons that I am not privy to. I remind myself that it is my ego that is hurting – that this person chose to not be in my life any longer. Your ego can disable you – but it doesn’t have to – it’s up to you. I continue to seek community with like-minded people and appreciate the abundance of love I have in my life. I remember that sometimes in losing people – I have been given the opportunity to accept myself exactly as I am without fear of their judgement.
I look for the life lessons that come with loss – sometimes people are removed from our lives because their purpose has come to a close and that I am being freed to explore other people, relationships and situations. I have found that if I consciously avoid triggers such as social media – that it helps to not know what I am missing – or who.
Most of all – learning to find happiness within myself and my own life instead of from other people is critical to accepting the losses. Sitting around and thinking about who excluded me or what I was left out of is guaranteed to make me sad and depressed. That’s when tuning in to myself, looking with appreciation to the daily doses of unexpected joy, and seeking out whatever life brings to that moment – can help to soothe the losses.
But I will always miss my Dad.❤️
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